so have you guys ever procrastinated sorting out your thoughts? that's what i've been doing for the past i-don't-even-know-how-long because i find it easier just repressing them. probably the only reason i'm doing this now is because it's probably the only time i will have a chance to. i apologize in advance for the length this post might turn out to be. and for even sharing these annoyingly dense thoughts because in all honesty, i wouldn't want to read this if i were you.
i could go on for pages and pages about all the awesome things here at UD, but alas, i'm using this blog as a form of diary tonight. as usual. among all the fun and friends and studying and having so many opportunities at my fingertips, i've been feeling pretty lame. you see, i made this decision not too long ago and then flaked out on myself. now, i never usually flake on other people. or myself. i do what i say i'll do. but in the case of joining the ROTC army nurse corps, i sadly have flaked. i'm not even a flake...i'm nothing but a crumb at this point.
the decision obviously took much thought, justification, rationalization, etc. i thought long and hard and very thoroughly about it and was certain that my decision to join was right for me. hell, it still might be right. but there's a part of me who thinks that cadet leah wouldn't be able to do it. so i made another decision- not to join. i was so close, too. spoke to the right people, took the right steps...but it didn't happen. i even wrote a letter (to whom? i don't know...myself?) explaining why i made the decision to join. for those of you who don't know, army nurses get a lot of great benefits for taking care of our nation's heroes and giving 8 years of their lives to the army. yupp, 8 years. that's another reason i decided against it eventually. i mean, only 4 years would be active duty (meaning they'd be able to send me anywhere) and 4 would be reserve (i'd work in an army hospital somewhere here in the US). but i feel like although i'd have tons of amazing benefits, i wouldn't be able to fulfill other dreams that i have.
but now i feel like an ass. i want to make a difference and that could be the perfect opportunity to do it, but my heart won't let me. and that leads me to wonder if i'll ever be good enough. for what? i'm not sure. good enough for myself, maybe...if that even makes sense. i'm wondering "what if" way too much also. so many thoughts are colliding into each other in my head...and naturally now that's reminding me of gas particles and electrons since my classes now own my soul hah. WHERE WAS I?
what kind of mark will i leave on this world? i want to do such big things but now i'm feeling a little lost...kind of like i've lost some of my passions. or maybe they're still there- just all jumbled up. if i'm too cowardly to be able to help heal our nation's heroes and give back when so many others have given SO MUCH MORE, what WILL i be able to do?
aaand that's where this blog is going to end since i keep getting disturbed and losing my train of thought.
