July 21, 2010
July 19, 2010
to lighten the mood...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA. i'm pretty sure i have a picture just like that except trade the big bad wolf for chuck-e-cheese and subtract a few years from the little girl. i was TERRIFIED. still am, actually.
ps: the kid pointing is cruel!
down the road...
okay, i don't by any means intend to start this blog off with an unfortunately dense post, but blogs (i presume) are for sharing what's on one's mind, no?
to sum it all up to the best of my abilities, i've been feeling pretty down for the past few days. and not the type of down that hinders other emotions- i'm not depressed, i've just had this big concerned feeling lurking in the corners of my mind with this rope lassoed around my heart. i'm really not sure what to do with this bundle of worried uncertainty nor do i know if posting this here is the right way to go about it. am i thinking too much into it? it's my future.
i'm currently enrolled at the university of delaware, which i believe is undoubtedly where i should be. however, despite the fact that my father repeatedly told me not to worry about the prices of schools when i first began my voyage through colleges, he is now causing me to regret my decision and doubt my judgement on what is best for my future. basically, there never was any semblance close to a way for my family to pay for UD without financial assistance and although i am grateful for the money i have been offered, it isn't nearly enough to cover the expenses of college.
before i officially "chose" UD, i was accepted into two schools that i applied for merely as a security blanket or damage control or whatever; but i could have gone to either school for little or no cost. there was one point i remember when my dad saw one of the letters from capital university in ohio (which was to inform us that i recieved a full ride) and he yelled when i denied the offer because udel is where i wanted to go (plus ohio is kind of nine hours away. couldn't believe he was willing to send me that far for financial security). he made me feel SO guilty and at one point said "yeah, well you remember that when you're somewhere in delaware and i have no money to give you." i was so upset after that. my father was the one who always made it seem like everything would be okay- that i could follow my heart and mind to the school i wanted and it would all work out (financially). now i find it not working out.
so last night i considered the possibilty of transferring at some point. this was after i'd been researching army/navy/air force nursing opportunities purely for the scholarships. yeah, there is no way i'm selling my soul to the army for eight years; i've got too many dreams that need to be grasped. now i'm stuck between what i want and what's best. and now that i've already made great friends at UD/the fact that i'd be spending an entire schoolyear there knowing it'd all have to end makes this really difficult to put into proper perspective. and i've been thinking about something a friend told me: "we bloom where we're planted." i'm wondering if precisely WHERE i am planted has that much weight on the fulfillment of everything i want through these next four years. delaware is a wonderful school in a great location: easy to get to/from, close to the people i love and cities i'm familiar with/want to explore. when discussing ohio a while ago, my dad said i'd be able to fly back and forth whenever i wanted with all the money we'd save on tuition, so i've been thinking about that as well. one school in particular i've found many possibilities in is uncw (u of north carolina in wilmington). it isn't too pricey, it's a bit smaller but not too much smaller than ud, it's in an awesome location (yet way too far from my friends), and it's a good school. i'm also confident that i'd recieve a good deal of financial aid from uncw because i'd be more of a bigger fish at a slightly smaller pond than ud. however, if that were to happen, i'd be the new kid yet again, which was definitely not something i enjoyed when i had to endure it freshman year of high school. plus, i'd be leaving all the friends i made at delaware, not to mention moving even farther away from my best friends here in nj. maybe this battle is actually miles vs dollars, then...i don't really know.
what i'm looking for now is clarity. leaving college debt-free would be absolutely wonderful, but ud is everything i want. but who's to say i wouldn't find this "everything i want" elsewhere? there are just way too many possibilites in our world, if you ask me. i feel like we should be able to live for way much more time to be able to embrace all that our world has to offer. random side note i also thought about: i definitely want to study abroad...going to a cheaper school would give me so many opportunities to do that. oy. so, if you're someone random who's reading this or a person who actually knows me, you should let me know YOUR perspective on this. please and thank you.
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